Now that I have completed my grief educator training with David Kessler, I’m eager to share some of the concepts I found helpful. Kessler presented six needs of the grieving that are a guide for anyone experiencing their own grief or supporting others in grief. While all are important, one I wanted to explore first was “the need to integrate the pain and the love.” When someone or something we love dies, the pain is very real. Some say that the deeper the love we have, the deeper the pain we experience. While in pain, the love seems to have died too. We might know the love is still there, but right now we are feeling, and the pain is greater than the love. How do we remember the person or thing we are grieving with more love than pain? How do we feel the love that is the “other face of pain?” (Kessler)
I remember visiting with a recently widowed friend who was so deeply in pain that it showed in her whole demeanor, her voice, her walk, everything. When I saw her about a year later, she was a different person, uplifted and eager to engage in conversation about the love of her life. When I asked what had changed, she said at first every time she thought of her husband it brought her great pain- the awareness of all she missed about him. Now when she thought of him it was more often the memories of the love they had had and how blessed she had been.
This is an example of integrating the pain and love. She had allowed the grief, leaned into the pain, and had as many of what Kessler calls “grief bursts” as she needed. While the pain was still there and would still show up from time to time, she was able to turn more often toward the loving feelings, to lean into “love bursts.” Death had not been strong enough to end the love they had.
Why does the pain cover up the love at first? Psychologist Rick Hanson reminds us that our brains are like Velcro for bad experiences and Teflon for the good things. We’re wired to focus on the negative, so we have to make an effort to let go of the pain and identify a positive, loving experience. He suggests savoring and expanding on that story. As he says, “Sink into it and let it sink into you.” Eventually, the loving memories will increase, and the pain decreases some.
When we visit with a bereaved friend, we can encourage this integration of pain and love. We might recall a fond memory of the deceased or a loving characteristic we appreciated. We can invite the friend to tell us about some happy experience, like when she met her partner.
One last reminder- moving from remembering with more love than pain doesn’t happen all at once. It’s a journey, and everyone has a different timeline. May you be patient with yourself and others when grief comes along.
“Grief dares us to love once more.” Terry Tempest Williams
Reference: David Kessler, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Scribner, 2019.