Since this is the season when we tend to gather more as families and friends, I was intrigued by a series of articles by author and master facilitator Priya Parker on developing “better guesting skills.” My initial reaction was to dismiss the topic as irrelevant since I’m more likely to be concerned with hosting skills and don’t have that many invitations. As I read on, however, I realized that the overarching topic was how to establish priorities and make conscious choices about how you spend your time and with whom. This becomes more important as we get older. So I’ll share some of Parker’s ideas about the importance of thoughtfully deciding what gatherings to attend, responding quickly, and being prepared to add your own “sparkle of human connection” at the appropriate time.
The first step to being an artful guest is to reflect on what these gatherings have been like in the past for you. Who has typically been invited, how do they interact, what’s the overall energy of the party been? What do you enjoy the most about the party, and what, if anything, makes you anxious? Is there someone or something that connects everyone? What is the purpose of the gathering? This initial evaluation will give you a better idea of how you might make the party better. This will also help you with the second step, “intentional guesting.”
Intentional guesting is “the act of choosing whether, why and how one attends a gathering.” Before the season begins decide on your “gathering diet”, or the number and type of events you want to participate in. Some of the factors to consider this year, with Covid and flu still around, are your health and energy levels and how many others you will be interacting with and in what surroundings. You might also think about the time and effort it would take to get to the event compared to the value of the connections you would make, or how much it would mean to the host and others to have you present. Ask yourself how attending an event fits with your present priorities and decide accordingly.
Once you have gone through this thoughtful process and made a decision, Parker emphasized the importance of sending an RSVP with an enthusiastic “yes”, which starts building the energy for the party, or a “connected No” which acknowledges and shows gratitude for the invitation and closes the door. A “maybe” response takes too much energy from you, as you keep trying to decide, and from the host, who is unable to prepare.
The last practice for a skilled guest requires a little thought and preparation. To help make more meaningful connections happen, or just add more fun to the party, we can arrive with an item or idea that will jumpstart a conversation or activity when appropriate. Some examples of this would be a game or a puzzle; party favors for everyone at the table; a special dish that is yummy and has an interesting story attached; a playlist, song, or instrument to play; or even a prayer. We have often sat through Christmas dinners wearing the silly hats that come in Christmas poppers and laughing over the sayings hidden inside. At our Thanksgiving gathering, one of the guests noted that we had quite a few Scorpios in the group and wondered what traits were attributed to them. Since no astrologers were present, we pulled up Wikipedia and had fun deciding how Scorpio-like these friends and partners really were.
The last article, which comes out next week, will be about “reading a room” as a guest. Sorry to leave you without this piece, but the links to the other articles are below. I hope you will at least be a little more aware as you make your choices and enjoy your holiday gatherings this year. As Parker concluded, “When we start thinking more intentionally about what we want to attend, and when we choose to be where we are, and when we practice not going to events that aren’t serving us, we begin to close the gap between the lives we want and the lives we live…It is a powerful thing to experience the recognition of being where you want to be.”
May your holidays and The New Year be filled with lots of fun and meaningful connections!
Links to Articles:
https://mailchi.mp/priyaparker/upping-your-guesting-game-this-holiday-season?e=424ec3a787
https://mailchi.mp/priyaparker/festive-guesting?e=424ec3a787
https://us4.campaign-archive.com/?e=424ec3a787&u=44c211714d1e78685b044ae49&id=312ade306f
