Researchers have confirmed that close relationships and social integration – “how much you interact with people as you move through your day”- are the best predictors of longevity and also lead to greater health and happiness. These relationships help us get through the challenges aging can bring with more ease and success. This information, plus my own experiences navigating the complexities of relating to our adult sons, teen and toddler grandsons, and my spouse of almost 50-years, have inspired me to research the changes in relationships as we get older. There are many causes for these changes, of course, but one that intrigued me was the “positivity effect” –“ the greater capacity for joy, delight, wonder, and gratitude” that the majority of older adults seem to experience. I’d like to share some thoughts about how this mindset can affect our relationships as we journey through this time in our lives.
In our youth-obsessed culture with its focus on all the losses that come with aging – loss of vision and hearing, cognitive impairment, lower energy and mobility-the well-documented research findings that older people are happier than younger people is known as the “paradox of aging.” This happiness or positivity is consistent across gender, African and European Americans, and socioeconomic level. Some studies attribute this to changes in our brains as we age-plasticity increases in the emotional processing centers(amygdala) leading to greater control over negative emotions. Psychological studies support this as well. For example, older adults outperformed younger adults on a working memory task if the task involved positive stimuli. Older adults have developed “emotional mastery” – the ability to recognize and control our emotions.
Dr. Laura Carstensen, a Stanford psychologist, proposed that the positivity effect may be one reason older people’s social circles tend to shrink. She found that they do some “proactive pruning”, letting go of toxic relationships and focusing instead on the positive interactions they have with old friends and family members. And it may be equally true that they want to cling to old friends because the memories they share with each other bring joy. These friends also know their strengths and history and can remind them of other challenges they’ve lived through, giving them hope for the future.
Relationships with siblings can often improve along with emotional mastery. Those resentments, grudges, and roles that people often establish as children have had a long time to fester. However, the passage of time and the new positivity may diminish the intensity of those feelings of unfairness and those needs to be the rescuer or tormentor or prince. Thus many stories abound of siblings reuniting and becoming closer as they grow older.
Those fortunate enough to have a committed partner or spouse as their closest companion may be experiencing what some researchers in the 1990s
found. Older couples have fewer conflicts and more pleasure in their marriages
than middle-age partners. They express lower levels of anger and whining and higher levels of affection. When author Maggie Scarf interviewed almost 70 over-fifty spouses, she was puzzled to find a lot of affection and acceptance among the couples. Once she learned about the “positivity effect,” it made more sense.
There are other important relationships, those with parents, adult children, in-laws, stepchildren, and more that change for the better as people age and become more content. I’ll end, however, with the one that is perhaps the most important and most forgotten in our busy adult lives- the relationship with our inner selves, our spirituality. This can be the place where our faith in a greater power can give us hope and support in the face of challenges. It can also be the place where fears, guilt, anger, regret, and a lot of negative emotions can pull us into depression and isolation. As we spend time in reflection or spiritual practices, positivity can help bring us to a place of self-compassion, forgiveness, and gratitude for the life that we’re living.
We may have experienced the inevitable losses of this stage of our lives, but we have learned to adjust our expectations and love and appreciate more. Dr. Mary Pipher expressed this well in her recent NYT article, “The Joy of Being a Woman in Her 70s”: “We may not have control, but we have choices. With intention and focused attention, we can always find a forward path. We discover what we are looking for.” She also suggested that as we become less concerned about making others happy, we can be “kinder to ourselves as well as more honest and authentic.” And all that brings greater inner peace.
There’s a lot more to explore and share about this fascinating topic, and I hope this information will motivate you to look at the relationships you have now. Do some “proactive pruning” of those that drain your energy and some healing and strengthening of the ties with friends and family who bring you happiness and love.