Please know that I don’t believe my dear retired friends and readers complain more than other groups. I do hope, however, that we are interested in looking at our own and others’ complaints and in doing our part to reduce the negativity and divisiveness it promotes.
Unity minister Will Bowen, whose goal is to distribute Complaint-Free bracelets to 1% of our world’s population, created the Complaint-Free World Movement. He defines a complaint as– “an energetic statement that focuses on the problem at hand rather that the resolution sought.” Those who take up the 21-day challenge commit to being complaint-free for 21 consecutive days, shifting the purple bracelet or a rubber band each time they forget.
The average person complains fifteen to thirty times a day, which helps to explain why I’m still on Day 1 despite my good friends’ protests – “You’re not a complainer.” It takes a while to raise your complaint awareness, but I’m shifting the bracelet fewer times each day. The most helpful information I’ve learned so far is why we complain and ways to respond to complainers.
Owens summarized the five reasons we complain with the acronym – GRIPE.
Get attention
Remove responsibility
Inspire envy
Power
Excuse poor performance
Complaining to get attention often shows up at cocktail parties when we’re at a loss about how to start a conversation. A complaint about the weather or traffic can work, though it starts things off negatively. Someone who’s read Owen’s book might respond with, “Yes, but what do you like about San Diego?”
Then there are the complainers who have completely removed themselves from responsibility for a particular situation and are convinced they are victims. “I’m just too old to learn how to use my cell phone.” Tony Robbins suggests that you respond this way: “If it were possible to learn how, how would you do it?”
Complaining to inspire envy or brag is more subtle and unconscious. The complainer is really asking you to acknowledge that he or she doesn’t do this horrible thing. “Suzy drives like a crazy woman!” really means “I’m better because I’m a safe and considerate driver.” This is also gossip, “speaking negatively about someone not present,” so the bracelet needs to be moved. Do you see why this is called a 21-day “challenge?” It’s not easy.
Look to our politicians for many examples of complaints to give one more power. They blame and complain about opponents to win you over to their side.
How often do we complain to excuse our poor performance? “The alarm didn’t go off.” or “My printer ran out of ink.” One way to cure this is to ask, “What can you do to keep that from happening next time?”
At a time when there is so much divisiveness in our world, reducing complaints could be one way to bring us together. As Maya Angelou wrote, “If we [our world] were just 1 percent Complaint Free, we would stop blaming others for our mistakes and hating them because, in our minds, they caused the mistake.” My dear friends, who were distressed when I moved my bracelet after saying something they didn’t hear as a complaint, quickly saw the benefits and were monitoring their own speech for complaints by the end of our walk! Give it a try, and let’s compare notes!