Starting conversations with strangers, whether on a plane, in a class, at a party, or even a networking event has been difficult for me most of my life. This is probably true for most introverts, and, as psychologists have concluded, talking to strangers is cognitively demanding and stressful. Of course, I’ve gotten better at it with Dale Carnegie’s help, years of watching others more skilled at it, and practice.
Recently I came across an article by Joe Keohone, author of The Power of Strangers: The Benefits of Connecting in a Suspicious World, who shared research about “why we don’t talk to strangers more, what happens when we do, and how we can get better at it.” As I read how these conversations can boost not just our social and business networks but also our mental performance and happiness, I thought of how they might be a benefit to us as we age. And with the pandemic, all of us had fewer opportunities to practice these skills. Here are some tips from the experts on how to initiate and develop conversations and how to listen more deeply.
It’s no surprise that we initiate the conversation with small talk, like the weather. This is how we become more comfortable and find – “a door to a better conversation.” Use common scripts, but break them by adding more specificity and surprise. Example: “How are you?” “I’m about a 6 out of 8.” “What would it take to get to an 8?”
If you begin more specific, the response will usually be more specific. OR Rather than ask what someone does, ask what they don’t do or would like to do more of.
Many of us have learned to ask questions next, but that can be too demanding and intrusive. Make a statement instead about some shared experience, like weather or your surroundings.
Follow-up questions are good for getting deeper. Use open-ended ones, such as “How did that go?” or “What did you learn?” Most people tend to not ask questions and talk about themselves instead, but the most popular conversation partners do ask questions showing that they are interested in the other person. Remember that as the initiator of the conversation, you are the host and want most of the focus to be on them as a form of hospitality.
Good listening skills are the other side of a successful conversation. In addition to making eye contact, two suggested techniques to show that you’re engaged are paraphrasing what the speaker said and occasionally repeating a phrase verbatim. Therapists often do this to make connection and clarify.
There are three levels of listening. At level one, you’re listening for something you’re interested in or know about. Level two is listening to collect some facts about your interests. Both of these levels are superficial and egocentric. The third and deepest level is listening for the feelings, values, and motivations of the speaker in order to understand. It is often followed by clarifying questions, such as why, how, who?
Here are some more obvious tips from a writer who tried a 21-day challenge to talk to strangers:
- Put away your phone and earbuds or other devices.
- Wear a conversation starter (jewelry, tie, t-shirt) or walk a baby or dog.
- Offer a compliment.
- Seize the conversation opportunity immediately, as when people are getting settled in their seats.
Some of these techniques will be difficult at first and require practice. They won’t work all the time. I hope you’ll challenge yourself to initiate more conversations-maybe once or twice a week and in different settings. I’m pretty sure you’ll find it uplifting and even fun!
If you want to read more, I’ve listed below the two articles and a webpage filled with resources on this topic.
Koehane, Joe. “How to Become a Master at Talking to Strangers.” July 7, 2021 https://www.entrepreneur.com/article375641
John Corcoran. “How to Make Small Talk with Strangers: My 21-day Happiness Experiment.” June4, 2014. artofmanliness.com
Researcher’s website with resources – gilliansandstrom.com