As we gather with families and friends this holiday season, we may be with those who are grieving the loss of a loved one or some other challenging situation. How do we connect in a loving and effective way with those struggling and not make their challenges our own? I found some answers in the chapter of Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart where she defines and examines the emotions compassion and empathy. By learning what these emotions mean and how to express them with more skill and ease, we can be a comforting presence and support for others.
After over ten years of data collection and research, Brown concludes that “compassion is the daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity so that we treat ourselves and others with loving-kindness, and we take action in the face of suffering.” (118) The compassionate action we take is not to be a healer and fix the wounded . It’s to “sit in the darkness with them.” Brene’s example of this from parenting is to “sit in the dark with my kids” rather than rushing in to fix or make it better. When we’re at our holiday gatherings, we act with compassion when we acknowledge a suffering person’s loss, loneliness, and pain, asking how they are and feel and just listening to them.
Compassion is sometimes confused with pity – a “near enemy” that seems similar but undermines compassion. No one wants to feel the isolation of being pitied. Pity comes from a belief that the wounded person is inferior and a desire to separate emotionally and provide little support. Check your thoughts of “ Oh, that poor person. I feel sorry for people like that.” at the door.
The loving and effective connection we make with a suffering person requires a combination of compassion and empathy, defined as “a tool of compassion… an emotional skill set that allows us to understand what someone is experiencing and to reflect back that understanding.” (120) This is “cognitive empathy,”or perspective taking, which is different from “affective empathy,” or experience sharing, feeling the other person’s emotions. Brene cautions that affective empathy can lead to overwhelm and the inability to provide support. If someone is feeling sad, being empathetic doesn’t require that we become sad too but that we remember our own experience with sadness so we can understand and connect.
What I found most helpful was learning what empathy is not – Brene calls them “empathy misses.” I have been guilty of more than one of these when trying to empathize. One common miss is expressing sympathy – “I feel so sorry for you” or “Bless your heart.” This carries with it the feeling of separation or distancing. An empathetic response would be, “I get it, I feel with you, and I’ve been there.” Throw out those “sympathy” cards.
Other empathy misses are judgment and disappointment – “You’re still not able to sleep? How long has it been? I’m surprised that you are not stronger with your therapy background.” Another miss I can remember is saying something like,“ Time will heal the emptiness. You’ll feel so much better in a little while,” which is minimizing their suffering.
A common miss aimed at making us all feel better is blame. “The doctors certainly should have noticed that and prescribed something to prevent ____.” This can add guilt or shame to the person’s sadness. Then there is comparing your similar experience or one of your friend’s to theirs. “Just think how it would be if you lost both your parents at the same time like my friend.” Finally, here’s the empathy miss I have been most guilty of – advice giving and problem solving. “There is a grief support group at Oasis that might be helpful. Why don’t you try it.” If you have engaged in any of these “empathy misses” in the past, take a breath and have some self-compassion! You were well trained to respond this way.
So what is empathy? It’s not walking in another’s shoes, a myth. It’s listening to the story the person tells about how it is in their shoes and believing it, even if it’s different from our own experience. When we do this, we acknowledge and validate their feelings. Maybe we just sit with them and cry together. Maybe we share memories about the missing person-how they loved playing Scrabble. Maybe we ask what this dear person needs at the moment and act on that.
Hopefully, this has raised your awareness of compassion and empathy and how you express them this holiday season or any time you are with another who is struggling. You may notice some empathy misses that you or others make, and that’s the first step – awareness! Practice is the next step, and there will no doubt be opportunities to reach out to others with compassion and empathy in the future. I also encourage you to check out Brene’s book, Atlas of the Heart.
Have a wonderful holiday season!
Virginia
Reference: Brown, Brene. Atlas of the Heart. Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. Random House, 2021.